To the Weary

To the weary, the burdened, the broken. To the one who is angry or confused or stuck.

Hi…me too.

Earlier this week I began a different blog. But today, this is where I am.

I am so. tired.

so. tired.

Sleep seems illusive these days. I don’t get much of it. And the sleep I do get is interrupted often:

Sometimes it's because my sweet 6 month old, Hagen, is up (too) many times at night. 

Sometimes it's my 2 year old, Athaleyah, yelling my name in the middle of the night...or in the wee hours of the morning.

Sometimes (like last night) it's both: they are both up multiple times or for long stretches. 

There are nights I dread going to bed because I don't know what the night will hold.

There are nights I feel like the night will never end.

Today I wonder how to keep going when functioning with an alert, joyous, content spirit feels almost impossible. All the noises make me feel on edge. All the repetitive “Why?”s, “What are you doing?”s, and “No!”s have my insides itching.

Today I have apologized multiple times to my beautiful family for the lack of peace and patience I have exhibited. I pray for patience and I feel God tell me: “I have given it to you. Now, use it.”

It’s mine. I can choose it. I can choose patience no matter how tired I am (though it’s harder to choose when I’m exhausted).

But how do I choose sleep when the variables aren’t up to me?

Sleep deprivation is doable in short stints. But when days, weeks, months, and years of no sleep pile up on top of each other…how do we keep going?

And…what about other areas of life? 

What about when days, weeks, months, and years of depression pile up?

What about when you have to choose forgiveness over and over?

What about when you can’t quit life, but wish you could? 

When little people need you?

When work demands extra?

When your insides feel exposed and corroded all at once?

What about when you feel forgotten or unseen?

What about when you wonder if anyone will ever value you?

When you have felt crushed? belittled? misused? abused?

Anyone?

No matter what you may feel weary from today, you can stop right here and breathe. 

There is Hope.

We are not in control, but the One Who is, invites us to be near Him, to unburden all of this at His feet.

God knows what we need. He is all we need. And He promises to restore our souls.

In our weaknesses, He is strong. 

He lifts us up on wings like eagles. 

When we walk we will not faint. 

 

But this is a choice too: to allow Him to be enough.

We have to choose to stop. To let Him restore us. To allow Him to reorient our priorities and purpose. 

I have to choose to accept His grace. I have to choose to be grateful for the life He has given me. I have to choose to let Him give me the energy and strength I need. I have to choose to quiet my soul and allow His voice to quiet the loud noises in my head (even if the ones around me remain loud). I have to choose to surrender my expectations of me, others, and life. I have to choose to Him…to feast only on Him.

That doesn’t mean I won’t be tired. 

It doesn’t mean I won’t experience anger. 

It doesn’t mean I won’t have to apologize today…again.

But it does mean that my soul will be renewed in His presence again and again.

It means I won’t be trying so hard to be so much.

It means I will remember (more likely) I am not alone and don’t have to do this alone.

Shall we choose this together today: to focus and feast on Jesus? To surrender? To be still?

One way to feast on Jesus today is to intentionally and consciously choose gratitude.

I am grateful for

love

white snow

chocolate chip cookies

my children’s laughter

colors

my reading chair

my patient husband

my Jesus

Mmm…my soul already feels lighter.

What are you grateful for today?

Take a few minutes to ponder them. 

Perhaps your soul will feel lighter too.