The Love I Crave

I think everyone has “a thing,” or a milieu of them, that they turn to in order to create some sort of semblance of control or comfort. These things feel like safe-guards - little walls that surround a protected corner of ourselves in hopes that keeping other people, circumstances, and unwanted emotions out will give us the security we long for. The problem is: we were not created to build our own self-sustaining-protective walls. And, we can’t stop the world around us from affecting our lives. We can choose how we respond in spite of the affects, but we cannot protect ourselves from them.

God can. God is a sun and shield (Psalm 84:11). He is our strong refuge (Psalm 71:7),  our fortress (Psalm 59:17), and strength (Exodus 15:2). An ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). God is our helper and the upholder of our lives (Psalm 54:4). 

In my humanity I often try to act as God. I try to fortress myself in. I try to numb the discomfort of unwanted emotions with shopping, cleaning, eating, or controlling circumstances. I try to make decisions that I “think” will produce a certain outcome so that I KNOW what is coming. If I buy something - I know what I am getting. If I eat something - I know it will taste good. If I walk around the house picking things up and putting them away - I know what my task is. 

Stillness. Silence. Waiting. The unknown.

These feel so uncomfortable. I want to hide from these prickly emotions. Though, if I sat in them, waiting on the Lord, fully trusting His goodness and provision and perfection, then the prickly places would usher me deeper into the river of His delights. I would find myself fuller, truly satisfied, and actually at rest. 

Instead, I fight for myself and try to perfectly do…everything. 

Perfection and control. They try to capsize me. They promise me security but actually deepen my captivity. The more I trust them to provide what I truly long for, the more I run from the only One that can provide what I truly long for. 

Which is real, deep, unashamed, accepting Love. Love that does not demand perfection. Love that does not manipulate or run away. Love that does not keep me at arm’s distance until I prove myself. Love that does not tell me to try again later. Love that does not eventually give way to rejection.

Full acceptance. Just as I am. Without wavering. Acceptance that doesn’t grow deeper when I am better or shallower when I fail. 

Love so overwhelming, so fulfilling, so constant that it swallows up the striving for anything else…at all. 

That Love exists. That Love is my King. That Love is the One Who unashamedly, completely, totally gave up everything He had to gain my heart - even while I was still a sinner. Love that died to set me free before I proved anything…before I even existed. Love that chose to lay down the peace of Heaven for the chaos of Earth in order to meet me in the places I feel lost. Love that tells me to release my shame and guilt so He can take it - because He already bore it on the cross in my place. Love that is perfect on my behalf. Love that covers all of me in righteousness - past, present, and future. Love that gently takes down the walls I have tried to keep up around me so that I may live in true security and freedom. Love that whispers, doesn’t yell. Love that doesn’t judge but offers grace freely. Love that calls me deeper while providing the power and strength I need to go there. Love that waits patiently and teaches me to do the same. Love that gives…and gives and gives and gives and expects nothing in return. Though, in the return there is reward beyond comprehension.

This Love. This is the Love I long for. So why do I turn anywhere else? 

Because my flesh tells me there is a better way. The enemy whispers, “There is something more fulfilling.” And sometimes I listen to him. I don’t want to listen to him. I want to silence him with God’s Word. I want to turn and hide in the shadow of the wings of Love. But, instead, I expose myself. I remember the momentary relief when I tried to control something - and the extreme disappointment when it didn't work. I remember the numbing that alcohol and food brought - and the shame the next day when I was of sober mind. I remember the brief satisfaction of purchasing something new - and the way the feeling of excitement wears off, beckoning me to purchase something else in order to feel a thrill again.

There is a bottoming out to each of these things. But not to Love. 

No. True Love, God’s Love, never bottom’s out. It goes deeper. It extends farther. I cannot find the beginning or the end of it. I cannot shrink it or expand it. And if I choose to throw myself into it, though the discomfort of saying “no” to my flesh may sting, this Love ushers me through each uncomfortable moment and provides a deeper, lasting satisfaction that cannot be replaced by anything.

This Love is perfect - so I don’t have to be.

This Love is in control - so I don’t have to try to be.

This Love never leaves - so I don’t have to try to make it stay.

This Love never fails - so I don’t have to worry about disappointing it.

This Love is my God. It is His very essence. 

May I throw myself into it afresh today. Allowing it to seep into every crack of my splintered heart and emotions. May I allow it to fill every void where words cannot adequately express the loss I feel. May I allow it to lead my steps forward and flood my past with grace. May I allow it to give me wisdom, strength, patience, and grace as I surrender to it. May I wait on the this Love to give me what I need.

His Love never fails.