A Hard Day. A Good Day.

 

It’s been a good day. It’s been a hard day, but a good day.

That seems counterintuitive to type out in one sentence: I used to think that a hard day equated to a bad day. However, I am learning that so much of life is affected by our perspective - and our perspective is something we can affect by choosing contentment, gratitude, joy, and peace, even (and especially) when we don’t fee like it.

I say today was a good day, because I had the day off and spent every moment (minus about 50 minutes when I tried to nap and couldn’t) with my two kiddos. Lately, I have been so exhausted that when my days off roll around I am spent: irritable, impatient, and on edge. A part of the impatience I experience is a narrative that runs through my head saying things like: 

“I always take care of everyone - who is going to take care of me?”

“I bet it’s nice to not be needed all the time…to just ‘escape’ to work…or to sleep at night.”

Such a narrative places me at the center of myself…a rather grim and deadening place to be.

But today, I tried to cognitively choose a different narrative:

even though I was up four times with Hagen last night.

even though Athaleyah woke up extra early and only wanted Mama.

even though I desperately wanted a couple extra hours of sleep.

even though I knew I would have the kiddos by myself all day and night today.

Today I practiced presence. Today I practiced letting things go. Today I practiced choosing joy:

I laughed with my babies. 

I tried not to force anything. 

I let Athaleyah eat way too many donuts…because we usually practice balance.

I said “no” to a screaming toddler throwing a fit.

And I said “yes” to other little treasures.

We went to the church to help Daddy set up for an event…and stayed for hours. Athaleyah not only watched us serve, but she practiced serving as well.

I took extended time at bedtime to read and sing extra to Athaleyah.

I let moments linger when my children were belly laughing together.

I tried to choose patience in my words and tone (even though I was tired)…and had to apologize when I didn’t.

I tried to balance the spontaneity and rhythm of the day.

Tonight, I find myself incredibly full. Today wasn’t perfect, and that’s okay. But today was wonderful…even though my kids screamed. Even though we skipped quiet time. Even though we got to bed late.

Today was special. But I had to choose to allow it to be okay, to be good. I had to choose joy. I had to choose to surrender my expectations. I had to choose to believe that no matter how tired I was, God was with me in it - and He wasn’t surprised by the exhaustion I felt. Because, it would be really easy to complain. In fact, complaining is always easy. It’s built into our flesh. We could gripe about…anything. Or we could choose to be grateful. Both are choices. But complaining makes dark things seem darker. Our God calls us to the Light. His Word says the darkness is as light to Him. He shines light right into the corners and cracks of all the things that need exposure. And though it can feel vulnerable and exposing - it is. so. good.

**Practicing what I preach:

I wrote this post on Friday night after a beautiful day with my kiddos. That same night, Hagen was up six times in the first two hours of sleep, and up about every 60-90 minutes after that. Last night, he was up about every hour (sometimes two…but honestly, I can’t remember, and sometimes I don’t even look at the time anymore). 

I could feel the drudgery in my soul as I would pull myself out of bed over and over again. I could feel it when I woke to him crying, hoping my husband would hear him instead. I could feel it when Shay let me sleep in an extra hour and a half but I woke up multiple times to a loud and/or crying toddler. 

This morning I was short with my daughter almost immediately. I could feel the shifting tectonic plates under my soul…they were beginning to crack my surface. They needed to settle. I needed to be quieted, to be restored. So, after Shay left to take the kids to childcare this morning, the house was silent. I pulled out my Bible and I read multiple chapters out loud. I spent time in prayer with God: talking to Him and listening to Him. I spent time surrendering myself and my people back to Him. 

Though I am still tired, my perspective is now different. Rather than looking at how exhausted I am and contemplating how I will make it through what lies ahead today, the eyes of my heart are now realigned toward the One, the Amen; toward what He has for me today. He knows what I need. He restores my soul. He will walk with me into whatever is ahead today, tomorrow, or for however many days I am given on this earth. I am so, so grateful for that. I am so grateful for His love and grace. I am so grateful that He never gets tired and never gives up on me.